Disney Ruined Star Wars V Part 2
Episode V: J.J. Abrams Strikes Back Part Duex
Last time I started my examination of Star Wars Episode IX, the fifth in my series How Disney Ruined Star Wars. If you missed any of them click below to start at Episode I.
Here is part two of Episode V of Disney Ruined Star Wars. Let’s get right to it.
When we left our heroes, Rey was on the way to Exegol, while Finn was getting some help from former stormtroopers. Meanwhile back at the Resistance base, R2-D2 restores C-3PO's memory and we have good old 3PO back. So no one thought to ask R2 if he had a backup of 3PO’s personality before they agonized over the decision? Just another Abrams twist. Poe and Finn, who, after the death of Leia are in command of the entire Resistance, decide they can find the location of the Emperor's hidden planet, Exegol by plugging D-0, the droid they found on the ship of the Jedi hunter, into the Millennium Falcon's navicomputer. How come they didn’t think of this before? It would have saved a whole lot of headaches. When they do connect him, they are shocked by the number of obstacles guarding the planet, magnetic fields, gravity wells, and solar winds, plus the red space forest. Wow that’s a really scary list of things that one would encounter near any planet anywhere in the galaxy. At the same time R2 receives a transmission from Red 5 (Luke’s X-Wing) with the coordinates of Exegol. So, the entire movie there is a race to find this planet and now everyone seems to have found the location.
The Resistance musters it’s small force of ships to attack the Sith fleet, including the Corellian corvette Tantive IV, the ship Leia was aboard when she was captured by Darth Vader. OK, how did that survive all this time. It should have been destroyed by the Empire back in Episode IV. In fact Darth Vader give the order to destroy it. There is no logical reason, other than J.J. Abrams just wanted to tug on the nostalgic heart strings. Everyone realizes that they are vastly outnumbered but Lando and Chewie say they will go to the Core Systems to rally support for the Resistance. Ok, we’ll see you long after the battle is over and we’re all dead. That isn’t a quick operation it should take months to gather support and then have those forces reach Exegol.
As Rey reaches Exegol, the Sith fleet is ordered to rise to deployment altitude. Why are they just doing that now? This is a fleet of Star Destroyers, not the most capable craft in a planetary atmosphere, so why had they not already gone into orbit around Exegol to await orders? As Rey enters the temple, the Resistance force arrives above Exegol and Hugh Grant’s brother gives the order to fire all Ion Cannons. Sorry Allegiant General, but you should know that ion cannons just disable electrical systems, they don’t destroy things. This just another instance of Abrams not even knowing the basic facts of the movies he’s trying to make. Allegiant General Pryde sees the Resistance plan to disable the navigational beacon and orders that his ship become the beacon, this is the best decision someone has made in the whole movie, but it leads to one of the most absurd scenes in any movie. Finn and the ground assault team lands on the hull of the Steadfast with their space horses to disable the beacon and ride across the deck like a wild west cavalry charge, getting cut down by blaster fire in large numbers.
Meanwhile Rey has confronted her grandfather in a scene right from Return of the Jedi, with almost the same dialog. Palpatine egging Rey to kill him and take his place and Rey saying she is a Jedi. The Emperor opens the ceiling of they chamber so Rey can view the battle above, just like he did with Luke. As Rey and Palpatine are having their battle of wills, the Resistance fleet is being decimated in the sky above. Then who should arrive out of nowhere but Ben Solo, how did he get off Kef Bir? Rey took his ship and Finn certainly wouldn’t have helped him. Since he arrived in an old TIE fighter I guess we are expected to believe that he found one in the wreckage of the Death Star and got it working but there is another problem, TIE fighters don’t have hyperdrive. So that must have been some sort of prototype (quite the find in the wreckage of a battle station destroyed 30 years ago, or it is just another J.J. Abrams convenience, I think it is the latter. Ben encounters the Knights of Ren, he is unarmed because he threw his lightsaber into the ocean back on Kef Bir and gets beaten up because of it. Rey however, senses he is close and uses their bond to send him Luke’s lightsaber and Ben with a shrug resumes fighting the Knights at the same time Rey fights the Sovereign Protectors, both groups are quickly dispatched and Ben joins Rey to face Palpatine. The Emperor uses the force to put them on their knees and finds he has drained some of their life force into himself healing some of his injuries. He changes the plan on the spot and decides that the two who are so closely bound through the force can heal the one, the true Emperor and he starts drawing their life force into himself until they fall nearly lifeless onto the floor.
At that moment, when all hope seems lost and even Poe says there were just too many of them, Lando’s voice is heard over the comm channel saying there are more of us, as a unending group of starships of every type keep popping out of hyperspace. It is a fleet of such as vast size that it just unbelievable, as I said before it would take weeks if not months for Lando to convince enough people to help and a force of this size would have taken years to mobilize. The director needed a way to justify defeating the Sith Fleet that is massive in it’s own right and couldn’t think of a good way to do it, so he just invented a large enough force to come to the rescue. If Abrams wouldn’t have made the Sith Fleet so large (In the book version of the movie it says there are tens of thousands of ships) hen he could have gotten away with a more reasonable sized rescue fleet. Or maybe he could have mentioned somewhere else in the movie that the Resistance was in negotiations with a few systems to join their cause. He, of course didn’t do either of those things therefore he had to create a fleet so vast that it just shatters the bounds of logic.
Back at the Sith Citadel, the rejuvenated Emperor reveals himself to his Sith followers, who chant in unison. Ben rises to his feet but the Dark Lord levitates him and tells Ben that as he fell, so will the last of the Skywalkers and uses the Force to throw him into a nearby chasm, seemingly killing him. Determined to let nothing stop the return of the Sith, Palpatine unleashes force lightning on the Resistance fleet and allied armada. I know he is “The One True Emperor” now but this is just a ridiculous amount of power. His lightning acts as an ion storm shutting off power in every ship it touches and many crash into Star Destroyers.
Rey is not dead but trying to summon her strength, suddenly she hears the voices of many Jedi including Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Qui-Gon Jinn, Mace Windu and Yoda urging Rey to rise, lending their strength to the weakened Jedi. As she rises to her feet, Luke tells her that the Force will be with her always. Drawing Leia's lightsaber, Rey confronts the Emperor, who halts his attack on the fleet and redirects his lightning at Rey. Palpatine boasts that he is all the Sith, but Rey retorts that she is all the Jedi. Using the force to retrieve the Luke’s lightsaber, she crosses the blades and uses them to push back the Dark Lord's force lightning attack. The Emperor is disintegrated by his own lightning, triggering a massive wave of energy that destroys the throne of the Sith and the auditorium, crushing and killing numerous followers.
Now, just like in Return of the Jedi the Emperor is dead (for good this time?) and the good guys defeat the rest of the Sith Fleet, but there must be a price to pay. Apparently, holding two lightsabers and deflecting some force lightning was too much for Rey, even with all the dead Jedi with her, and she falls to the floor, dead. But before you start crying, Ben Solo climbs back out of the pit he had been thrown into and resurrects her. So now a Jedi can bring people back from the dead, wow how convenient (man, I’m saying that a lot). It seems like he just trades his life force for hers and she is back among the living. Rey and Ben kiss for a reason no one can figure out, there was a connection there, obviously but it never felt romantic to me, just more Abrams bull. After the kiss Ben becomes one with the force and disappears. Back at the Resistance base Leia’s body also disappears.
Poe contracts Rey and tells her that people are rising up against the First Order all over the galaxy and we see a travel log of our favorite Star Wars places, Cloud City, Endor and even Jukku as First Order ships fall out of the sky, just like at the end of Return of the Jedi the re-re-released version.
Once back on the base everyone celebrates and Maz Kanata gives Chewie Han’s medal from Episode IV, in a clear ploy to pander to fans that thought Chewie had be left out in the film. In another attempt to pander to modern society there is a kiss between two women for no good reason other than to appeal to the LGBT community.
The last scene of the movie has Rey flying the Millennium Falcon to the abandoned Lars homestead on Tatooine, where she buries Anakin and Leia's lightsabers in the sand, having now built her own, a black-handled lightsaber with a yellow blade. A local asks her name and, seeing spirits of Luke and Leia look on, Rey gives her name as "Rey Skywalker." Rey and BB-8 then watch the two suns set.
That’s it the whole dreadful movie, mistake by mistake, arrogant decision by arrogant decision. I think that anybody would have been a better choice to write and direct this movie than J.J. Abrams, heck, I know I would have done a better job and I’m not even a director. These columns are called How Disney Ruined Star Wars but I could easily changed Disney to J.J. Abrams and the result still would have been the same. Next time I will breeze through Solo: A Star Wars Story and Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. I know, two movies in one column, but don’t worry it will be easy and much shorter than this one.
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