Disney Ruined Star Wars V Part 1
Episode V: J.J. Abrams Strikes Back
Last time I wrote about Star Wars Episode VIII-The Last Jedi. If you missed it click below.
Today we are, talking about the last movie of the Skywalker Saga. The worst Star Wars movie ever made (Yes, even worse then Attack of the Clones). The lowest Rotten Tomatoes score for both critics and the public of any Star Wars movie. I have read that it’s being blamed on using two different directors for the three movies but that is just a cop out. A New Hope was directed by George Lucas, The Empire Strikes Back was directed by Irvin Kershner and Return of the Jedi was directed by Richard Marquand, that’s three directors for three movies. No, the problem is the that there was no story written to encompass all three movies before they started, they just winged it. Back in Episode I of this long winded scree against Disney, I mentioned all the books that had been written, now called “Legends”, and how many different story ideas there were in those books. if they weren’t so arrogant they would have delved into those stories found one they liked and made that into the three movies, or at least adapted it to work with their new characters. They chose not to do that J.J. Abrams set the direction of the first film but Rian Johnson went in a different direction with the second film. When Abrams came back on board for the third film he felt the need to change many plot points from the second film to line up with what he had wanted all along making The Rise of Skywalker a disjointed mess that changed so many things about The Last Jedi. So let’s give it a look.
I really don’t know where to start with all the issues with this movie, so I’ll start at the beginning, Emperor Palpatine is still alive! Not only is he still alive but they introduced the idea IN THE CRAWL! It reads; “The dead speak! The galaxy has heard a mysterious broadcast, a threat of revenge in the sinister voice of the late Emperor Palpatine.” We never get to see how it played out with any of the main characters, to see the fear in their eyes or to see the chaos it must have caused. We don’t get any of that, it just becomes fact. So, to review, not only did the Emperor somehow survive the fall down a standard Star Wars, bottomless pit but then he lived through the explosion of the second Death Star. How does anyone, even a Sith Lord, live through that? How did he escape the wreckage of the Death Star, who helped him evade the Alliance, where did he go and what has he been doing all this time? We don’t know, we are just expected to except it as fact and move on. J.J. Abrams must have known that moviegoers would have a thousand questions that he wasn’t going to answer and it would affect the perception of the film. As usual he doesn’t care as long as he gets paid. Thanks, Abrams you idiot, you just ruined the entire storyline of the first six movies. By bringing back the Emperor, you undermined the sacrifice of Darth Vader and turn the powerful ending of Return Of The Jedi on its head. In your messed up narrative, Anakin couldn’t have been the Chosen One since he didn't bring balance to the force because he never killed the Emperor. Those movies are no longer about the rise, fall and redemption of Anakin Skywalker, now they’re just a way to set up your movies. I’m sure George Lucas appreciates you making the entire plot of his six movies irrelevant, way to go!
Ok, you now have had more time to get used to the idea of the Emperor being alive, then you did while watching the movie, so on we go. Next we see Kylo Ren and some stormtroopers slaughtering some kind a aliens on an identified planet. Why, we have no idea, but it isn’t much of a fight. He’s after this pyramid shaped thing that is also unidentified but I know is a Sith holocron, a storage device for Sith lore and information. Then he’s flying through a red space forest (yes, a red space forest. If it’s not that then I don't know what it is), with the holocron guiding him somewhere, then he pops out of hyperspace near a planet. Wait a second, when did he go into hyperspace? He wasn’t in hyperspace just a second ago because you can’t pilot a ship through complex maneuvers in hyperspace. Abrams doesn’t care about small details like continuity, he just wanted the shot of Kylo’s ship popping back into real space. Kylo finds an underground chamber where he hears the voice of the Emperor telling him that He was behind everything from the beginning. He made Snoke, he directed Snoke and it was essentially Palpatine that turned Kylo to the Dark Side.
The Emperor reveals that he has amassed an armada of Star Destroyers with planet killing super lasers, that he calls the Final Order. Wait, what? Where did he get an fleet of that size, who built them, why are they buried under the ice of that planet, who are the ships crewed by and who are the hooded figures that are ministering to Palpatine? Again, questions that J.J. Abrams doesn’t care to answer. Kylo says he’s going to kill Palpatine who responds with “I have died before”. Ok, you think, now we're going to get some answers. Nope, all the Emperor says is a line from Revenge of the Sith, “The dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities, some considered unnatural.” Gee, thanks for the explanation, that really cleared it up. Palpatine tells Kylo he must kill Rey to be worthy of the Final Order fleet. Kylo decides he will do it but plans to overthrow Palpatine, so he sets off to complete that mission.
Meanwhile Rey, Poe Dameron, Finn, Chewie, C-3PO and BB-8 leave for the planet Pasaana where, according to Resistance Intelligence, there is a clue to finding the Emperor’s location. So, they can find information on the most secret thing in the galaxy but can’t find out about a First Order base the size of a planet. I glad they have improved their intelligence gathering abilities.
Pasaana is yet another desert planet, (Why are there so many desert planets in this galaxy?) Pasaana is hosting the Festival of the Ancestors while our heroes are there and Rey is given a necklace when they arrive by a local child, it isn't just a throw away scene as we will see. Kylo initiates the Force bond that exists between him and Rey, after taunting each other Kylo snatched the necklace right off her neck but doesn't have a clue where Rey is. After speaking to a subordinate who recognized the necklace, Kylo knew Rey was on Pasaana. Wow, how convenient that Kylo has a human on his crew that recognized this necklace from a secret alien festival that only happens once every forty years. Besides, I thought Snoke was the one controlling the force connection between Rey and Kylo. So now they can do it on command by themselves? Once again, how convenient.
When the First Order shows up on Pasaana, Rey and company start to run but are spotted by a stormtrooper. Just before he calls his superior his is killed by a masked figure that says they should come with them. Who could this mystery person be? J.J. Abrams dipped into the old cast and comes up with Lando Calrissian. Are you kidding me? Lando just happens to on the same planet in the same town at the same time and he knows where the clue is. Come on! We’re supposed to buy that Lando knows they’re coming but didn’t pick up the clue himself and just give it to Rey. Once again J.J. is stretching the bounds of incredulity.
When the Kylo Ren and the First Order arrive, our heroes decide to make a break for it and commandeer two speeders, the First Order responds with two vehicles that are a cross between a snowmobile and a motorcycle that can launch stormtroopers with rocket packs on their backs. They then have a chase scene lifted right out of Return of the Jedi minus the trees. I know I'm beating this dead horse, but couldn't they come up with another idea for that scene? Nope they just took the speeder bike scene from Return of the Jedi, changed it a little and put it on film. Lazy, lazy writing. Both the speeders are destroyed by blaster fire tossing our heroes into “the sinking sands”, which oddly enough pulls you under like quick sand. This scene is just another slap in the face any viewer with half a brain. Does Abrams really think we’re dumb enough to believe that this early in the movie he’s killing off the entire main cast? I’m glad you think your viewers are idiots. So they aren’t killed by the sand and just end up in some strange tunnels where, very conveniently, they find a dagger with a Sith inscription and a body. After grabbing the dagger they are trying to find a way out of the tunnels when they are confronted by the Basilisk from Harry Potter. Poe and Finn want to kill it but Rey noticed it was wounded, Rey heals the beast and as a thank you, he flicks his tail, breaking through the tunnel wall to the outside. How did Rey learn to heal things and what rules apply to it? It look like there might be a physical price to pay for the healer. Healing is a Jedi power we have never seen on film but somehow she just knows how to do it, but we’ll be glad later that she somehow learned it.
As Rey and her group come out of the tunnel they are conveniently close to the ship of the dead Jedi Hunter they found in the tunnel (yeah, I didn't know that regular beings were Jedi Hunters I thought only the Inquisitors from Star Wars Rebels did that.), Kylo and the rest of the Knights of Ren (Who are these guys again and why do they dress like there was a sale at the S&M store?) are closing in on Rey, who senses that Kylo is close and leaves the ship. Finn sends Chewie to get her but as he trots after Rey we see a Knight of Ren watching. While this was going on Chewie, the Wookie who can rip and arm off someone, was captured by the Knights of Ren. We don’t even get to see it. It should have been a heck of a battle.
While Chewie is being captured along with the Sith dagger, Rey sees Kylo flying at her in a fighter and waiting to the last moment, flips over the ship while cutting off one the wings causing it to crash (something right out of The Matrix). Don’t worry though, Kylo comes out unscathed, of course, it’s early in the movie you can’t kill him. Rey notices that Chewie was being taking aboard a First Order ship. When it takes off. Rey uses the Force to stop it but Kylo also uses the Force to free it from Rey. All of a sudden Force lightning erupts from Rey’s fingers destroying the ship in a huge fireball. Oh, great, first Han than Luke now Chewie, is nothing sacred? How does Rey have Force lightning anyway? In all of Star Wars movies there were only two people that have been able to use it, Count Dooku and Emperor Palpating, two very strong Sith. What does this mean? I’m sure it doesn't mean anything, J.J. Abrams just thought it would be cool.
Our heroes use the Jedi Hunter’s ship to escape from Pasaana. Isn’t it lucky that this ship works perfectly fine even though it has been sitting in the desert for at least 20 years. Since they lost the dagger they need to access the text of the knife that C-3PO has in his memory. 3PO could do it, but his programing prevents him from revealing the Sith language, so they have to find a droidsmith to override that feature. The best one around is Babu Frik on the planet Kijimi, so off we go again. Babu Frik extracts the Sith text from C-3PO's memory, revealing the wayfinder's coordinates. Rey senses Chewbacca is alive aboard a First Order Star Destroyer, so the group stage a rescue with the smuggler Zorii’s help. Rey recovers the dagger and when she touches it, she experiences repressed memories of her parents. She duels Kylo, who reveals that Palpatine is her paternal grandfather. Foreseeing her power, Palpatine had ordered Ochi to find the young Rey, but her parents hid her on Jakku, prompting Ochi to kill them with the dagger. To spite Kylo, General Hux saves Poe, Finn, and Chewbacca from execution, revealing himself as the spy. As our heroes escape, Hux is executed by Allegiant General Pryde. The wayfinder leads them to coordinates on a moon in the Endor system.
On the moon the heroes find a large group of renegade stormtroopers, just like Finn, showing that he isn’t as special as we were led to believe for the entire first two movies. The stormtroopers are led by Jannah, and Finn and company quickly recruit to the Resistance. Rey retrieves the wayfinder from the wreckage of the second Death Star, but is met by Kylo, who destroys the wayfinder and duels her. In this scene JJ deals with the real-life death of Carrie Fisher by having Leia distract Kylo through the Force, causing her to become one with the Force. Using the distraction, Rey impales him, but sensing Leia's death and overcome by guilt, Rey heals Kylo. She takes his TIE fighter to exile herself on Ahch-To, like every Jedi has to do. Meanwhile, Kylo converses with a memory of his father, and discards his lightsaber, reclaiming his identity as Ben Solo.
To draw Rey out, Palpatine deploys the Sith fleet and sends a Sith Star Destroyer to destroy Kijimi. On Ahch-To, Luke's Force ghost encourages Rey to face Palpatine and gives her Leia's lightsaber. Rey leaves for Exegol in Luke's X-Wing, using the wayfinder from Kylo's ship.
That’s all for this post, next week I’ll finish up with my look at the worst Star Wars movie ever made. Please feel free to share all my posts with anyone who might be interested.